My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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