Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
