I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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