Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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