I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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