why didn't you poke me back
Apparently you make a good broom.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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