we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
