So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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