I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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