i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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