i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
