OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
