Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
