Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
