you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
