Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
