fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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