The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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