I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize