there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
