you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
