The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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