I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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