new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
