I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
