i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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