oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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