idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
