woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
