Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize