if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
