i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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