He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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