I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
