Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
