whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You need Xanax blowdarts
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
