Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
