so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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