if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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