Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
