If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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