Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
