i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
