This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
