Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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