I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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