I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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