i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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