Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
