I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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