My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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