someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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