im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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