We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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