I just pynch a tree in the face
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
