My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
