you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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