it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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