Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
