I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
God gave him joint rollers for hands
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
