we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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