I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
