Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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