over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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